[for the moment]

helpless/uneducated/naïve

i feel like i know nothing...nothing at all.

i look at the people i am surrounded by at fuller.
i look at my friends from apu jumping headfirst into "adult" careers.
i look at my parents and family who know so much and are so grounded.

they have so much knowledge and understanding...
...but i feel like i am only getting by because i fake it.

i am a good writer, so i can write papers last minute rambling on about something that the professor wants to hear. does that mean i really know what i'm saying? does it show that i've really learned?

probably not.

then i find out that all those in my life at this moment are so involved and aware.

where have i gone wrong?
how do i even begin?

life spins around me like a whirlwind and i'm standing still not knowing where to move or how to get there...
...especially because i can't see anything.

ABBA HELP!

let me know i'm doing something that glorifies you...

heart sting.

life changes in the blink of an eye.

i thought this transition after college was difficult, but now i am realizing it is more than just transition after college...it is every transition...it is life...that is difficult.

it seems like everything i know as "home" and "comfort" is being stripped from me in numerous ways. some of my dearest friends are taken from me, by distance whether emotionally or physically. my grandma has been diagnosed with cancer and is starting treatments. and today...today my family found out that our house...our HOME...that we have rented for 15 years is going to be put on the market for sale. maybe this seems unimportant to you, but allow me to share the importance and pain it causes me:

i grew up at 12 geneva walk. i have lived here since 3rd grade. my entire "life" as i can remember has all happened here, in our beautiful, quaint, unique, love-filled, fairy-tale home. i am who i am partially because of growing up here. my heart is attached to this home. and today...my heart was taken away.

we are unsure of the details of everything at this point but we have begun looking for places to rent. it hurts to think that within as few as 2 months everything i have known to be "home" will be taken from me. way to just add another log on the fire...

my dad has been saying all day "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. still i will say, 'blessed be the name of the Lord'." yesterday at church with the jr. highers eric was talking about resting in the Lord. what timing huh?!

i am burdened. my heart is heavy. it seems that thing after thing keeps happening to drag me down. praise God for his promises. praise God for his faithfulness. praise God that just as he takes care of the lilies of the field, so shall i be taken care of.

yet, that doesn't make it any easier. please pray for my family and i. we need it.

trusting and hoping for miracles with family, friends, and homes:
lindsey ann.

i realized i need to wake up or something.

i need to get outside. i'm not even kidding. since wednesday night i've only been "out and about" one day. that's just wrong. i guess i kind of just feel out of whack. no...actually...i know i do. it's unfortunate because i'm going to church tonight alone. it isn't that big of a deal...i just haven't been around my friends in awhile and would love to have them there with me...they can't make it this week.

pray for me. is that such a selfish request? pray i can lose this person and find who i am again. i like the other better. this one is caught in nothingness while the other gets lost in adventure. something or someone needs to knock me out or wake me up...or something. sheesh. i'm just kind of here....and that is NOT okay...

the "just is" life...

well. it's 2007 and my life is just...it just is.

i started fuller and i am enjoying it but i feel like it is consuming my time. surprise! welcome to graduate school. one of the raddest parts about it is i am taking classes from the most incredible profs who are the gurus of leadership and anthropology (which happen to be the first two classes i have right now). it seems like i am in these classes for a reason...serving as prep work for whatever might be next.

life isn't necessarily hard right now, but pretty lonely. there aren't consistent people around me and i don't have opportunities to really be poured into very much. days consist of school work or driving or class or being at home or doing other random things. of course i'm okay with routine and learning to like it...but it is difficult when routine means isolation. my heart aches for friends just to "be" with me, ya know?

for the past month or so i've been attending rock harbor. i'm still unsure if i'm going to stay there. there are so many things i like about that church but so many things i question if i feel comfortable with in making it my home church...such as: am i okay with it not really being diverse? am i okay with a BIG church? will i get lost in the crowd and not use my gifts accordingly? am i just being a consumer in going there? don't get me wrong...i fully support them and what they are doing. i actually like it a LOT. my heart engages when i am there especially in worship and the teaching. i guess i'm afraid of only going to be "entertained" or that i don't take initiative in actually engaging in the community.

looking for a job, a flexible job, so it'll probably end up being with someone our family knows. BUT the irony of it all is that i am going to be talking to my friend megan about a job that she has. DEFINITELY outta the blue...especially since we haven't talked in awhile. that will be interesting...i'm anxious to hear...

i want to adventure. i kind of feel stuck as if i am lacking the passion to even adventure in everyday life. that scares me. that isn't me.

so i just thought of something...
maybe that is just it. i don't really fit in anywhere right now...that's why i feel alone. that's why i feel in the middle of not really anything and i'm not sure where to go. going to church but not really involved. going to school but feel young and inexperienced compared to others there. friends are (kinda) far away. no job. no place where i can be me, be loved, and give love. just kinda...there.

2007 should be a good year. it is just starting off different than i thought. but that's okay. i believe God is in everything...and something beautiful will come from even this...

...

if you have someone else's heart, please be kind to it.

just a thought or two...or three.

Guess what? It's been exactly a month since I last wrote and so much yet so little has happened. Well...what do you expect from a girl who loves to do big things yet living a small life?

Remember that "going back to grad school" thing that I mentioned earlier? Well...it's official. Fuller Theological Seminary will be my next place of education, frustration, deep thinking, tough challenges, and journeying on with my dreams as my inspiration. I really am excited and anxious to see what this next phase of life is going to be like.

One more thing you might be interested in knowing: I think I figured out what I might do for a job. Substitute teaching...in SOUTH CENTRAL LA. You probably think I'm crazy but let's be honest...I won't stick out at ALL there. Haha. But in reality, what an incredible opportunity to love on kids that have possibly never received love their whole lives. A friend through church is an administrator at an elementary school in South Central and we were talking about how it is so much more than just a job but a ministry loving on these unloved kids; and that captured my heart in a second. I don't care about being a teacher really...it's not necessarily my "thing". I DO care about loving on kids that have never experienced a love the changes lives. To me...that is worth it. God will take care of the rest. Not to mention, I can makes my own schedule...but that's just a detail :).

Life is happening but I truly enjoy each moment of it, and right now each moment, literally, is significant to me since I've been home living much more of a "routine" life. Being in the midst of the holiday season simply adds more to each of these moments as well. It has been important for me this Christmas season to really take time to recognize and appreciate the importance of what it meant having Christ born into this world, moving from a divine place to a sinful place, perfect to imperfect, holy to unfaithful. Emmanuel, God WITH us. What an incredible, undeserved, beautiful moment in which the world was forever changed...in which we now have the opportunity to be forever changed. THIS is love. Thinking about these things has made me want to be so much more intentional in the way I interact with people (including waiting in long lines and walking through crowded malls), the way I sacrifice my time, my home,  my "stuff", my wants (like giving up my room for a week in our already small house and sharing beds with friends), and the way I approach my thinking about Christmas and embracing what matters most during this time: relationships with friends and family and love; loving God and loving others.

And in case I don't tell you enough or you have no idea: I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU IN MY LIFE. Whoever you are, whatever experience we have together, whatever our relationship (whether acquaintance or best of friends), you have allowed me to become who I am and have encouraged me to continue being who I should. Thank you. Know that I appreciate you and the influence you have had on my life.

Feliz Navidad.

Lindsey Ann Walkemeyer

NOTHINGNESS just got PERSONAL.

nothingness sometimes triggers spontaneity and my spontaneity triggered the completion of my application to graduate school in the matter of two days.

you heard me right kids...this girl is going back to school in january. [only if i get in of course].

papa and i were having a typical morning conversation, nothing too deep while sleep still lingers in the eyes and the random mentioning of graduate school came up and my heart skipped a beat. i knew in that moment it is time once again for brown bag lunches and recess...in a very "adult" sort of way.

where? FULLER THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY program? MASTERS in CROSSCULTURAL STUDIES with a LEADERSHIP concentration. why? because i am actually really excited about the thought of LEARNING again. HONESTLY. i didn't think it would happen quite this fast...but i am ready to have my nose stuck in a book [like belle].

i'm anxious to get a job too but i just CANNOT figure out if i'm aiming for a "meaningful" job or one that simply brings in money. i'd love to work with some non-profit or MAYBE a church if the right job came up. day at a time is definitely "mi estilo" still and i tend to keep it like that...so i'll just keep continue to keep my eyes/ears open to opportunities.

long beach is beginning to feel like home completely. i'm settled here...at peace...happy and ready to establish myself for a bit [until the next mission trip presents itself]...anxious to find the little "escapes" and favorite places close by that i probably missed while in high school.

LONG BEACH AND I ARE ABOUT TO GET PERSONAL.

that's all for now. feel filled in. if you don't...call me. haha.
l to the indsey dawg.

p.s. my family and i laughed so hard tonight we about all peed our pants. my mom and i especially were cracking up. gotta love water pepper instead of gravy. oh the joy of family.

what a moment can be.

i've gotten the question: "what's it like being home?" quite a few times already.

and i just don't know exactly what to say.

there is SO much to tell. 2 MONTHS worth ya know? and i don't want to be fake about it and i don't want to share everything all at once since there is so much. i want people to understand the fun, the stories, the struggles, the joy, the moments...but that would take a long time, time that most people don't have, and time that i don't necessarily have either (although at this rate i have almost all the time in the world).

it is difficult to describe what i am feeling right now. i feel like there hasn't been a 2 month gap between when i left and now. jumping right back into seeing amazing people that i love, big events, and the energy that comes with being a young college graduate with the world at your fingertips.

then i think about what i just left behind and i begin to miss what i had in costa rica...

an incredible family that would do anything for me simply because they cared for me as their own daughter and trusted me with everything. the same family that cried when i left and sent me away with gifts, which included "poopie" a stuffed puppy that my tica sister, nana (maria fernanda), gave me to sleep with when i got really sick while i was there. i became attached to him and she forced me to bring him home with me to california.

friends which included not only the AMAZING quadpod (my DEAR kylie, brett, and josh) but lila-roo and michelle (the other two girls that were attached at the hip and made for so many fun nights of dancing, funny stories, laughable moments, and simply memories), chris (our "papi" who is one of the most caring people who listens with incredible intent and was so encouraging to me), adrian (one of a kind but a must have on any trip), jeremy (a 30 year old that is just a sweet guy going through a lot of transitions but still filled with life), and of course the local surfers (cristhian, carlos, johan, cesar, abner, roach...the list goes on) that i can almost bet befriended us because we are gringas with blonde hair but ended up being really special friends. i had the opportunity to have some good conversations with a few of those people and again had more moments that will last a lifetime.

the culture, the vibe, the food, the kickback lifestyle, the freedom, the hospitality, the sunsets, the rain, the home feeling, the blue water, the mud, the chickens, cows, and horses in the road, the piropos, the pipa man, the chonie man, the inside jokes, the laughter, the God moments, the surfing, the love, the moments...the beautiful|hard|special|life-changing|inspirational|challenging moments that created the now memory of what i call costa rica.

who wouldn't want to leave that?

but then again, who wouldn't want to be here too?

i don't know what i'm doing next and i don't care. if God took care of me there and gave me the experiences that i was supposed to have, of course different than what i had anticipated, i know that he will let me know in time where the next chapter of my life will be written. for now...i will be writing my story a day at a time, a conversation at a time, a moment at time. and that is absolutely okay with me.

apu homecoming was last night and i "passed on" the crown. it was so encouraging to see so many incredible people and know that this too is still home. i'm interested to see what God will do with this feeling...

for now i am letting the moments come as they will. i have an unbelievable peace right now in the midst of the whirlwind of leaving one home to go back to another. God is so faithful and he will never ever ever let me down. what a promise...

pura vida is in my heart//live dangerously//love dangerously//living for MORE.

lindsey.

i don't want to grow up. get old. or anything like that.

i'm not ready to grow up.

i think i'm ready to go home but i'm not ready to make life decisions. costa rica was supposed to be the time that God and i spent time alone figuring out the details. then he brought kylie, josh, and brett and that screwed up everything. then he brought local friends and that screwed up the rest of the time.

by screwed up i mean...messed up what i expected; but who ever said we should live within expectations anyway? God ALWAYS throws in something different. which makes for a better adventure right?

but now...now i have the pressure of being 22. of being a college graduate. of being a girl capable of many things but incapable of figuring out what to do next.

sure do hope God has some answers when i get back.

the little thoughts.

kylie left today.

costa rica can't be the same without certain people and experiences.

i will miss her a lot.

good thing she lives 20 minutes from me in california.

my family is officially in town.

i have less than a week until i leave.

i sucked at surfing today.

my local friends aren't answering their cell phones.

it will be difficult to say goodbye.

real life will be hitting me soon.

yeshua is in tamarindo this weekend and i love it.

last night i talked to my dear friend who is at ywam in hawaii for 30 minutes and it was wonderful.

one of my roommates got married today and i wasn't there.

i am really full right now from a local soda.

costa rican slang is fun to learn. que mop. tuanis. al chile.

i don't want to forget anything, but i know i will.

"happy everafter is in her eyes."

thanks ben. i hope mine look like that.

pura vida.